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The Washington Market nursery school has a new director. Ronnie Moskowitz, the founding director, is retiring after nearly 50 years as director of the school! Many of the established nursery schools in the City were started in the 60's and 70's, and many of the long-time directors are retiring right about now, whether they were founding directors or hired early in the school's history.
When I work with parents to create their list of schools of interest for their children, they often worry about schools undergoing a change of leadership. I encourage parents to keep these schools on their lists. Most schools, and especially the long-time, well established schools, have a very strong culture of the school that is carried not only by the director but also by teachers, administrative staff, boards of directors, and families. Schools are very thoughtful in their hiring and in their transitions. Ronnie, for example, will continue at Washington Market for the coming year as Director of Ex-missions, and will support the new director, Carrie Kries, as she takes on her new role. Having Ronnie continue as Director of Ex-missions is an especially thoughtful decision as it makes sense for her to work on Ex-Missions with families and children she has known through their children's time at Washington Market. Presumable, Carrie will take on the Ex-Missions part of the Director role next year, when she has had a chance to get to know the children and families. Another way schools often ensure continuity when there is a change of director is by hiring someone from within the school who has been working alongside the departing directly for awhile. For example, when Pat Pell retired several years ago from Madison Avenue Presbyterian Church nursery school, she was followed by Laura Graham, who had been Pat's assistant director, and before that a teacher at the school. Everyone at the school--and many of us in the world of NYC nursery schools, including the ongoing schools--knew Laura. The culture of the school has continued undisrupted, with the inevitable infusion of fresh energy that comes with a new person. If you are interested in a school that is in process of changing directors, you will want to learn as much as you can about the process: Where is the school in the hiring process? Does the departing director plan to continue in a supporting role for a transition period? At what point in the admissions cycle does the school expect to finalize the new hire--ie., will you have a chance to meet the new director before you sign a contract? I am happy to guide you in getting the information you need to feel comfortable--or decide you don't feel comfortable--with a change. But overall, I strongly advise you keep schools undergoing transitions on your list unless you acquire actual information that leads you to decide otherwise.
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I came to preschool admissions advisement as an early childhood educator and a mom, with an interest in supporting families so strong that I eventually went back for a second masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. To me, preschool admissions is about the children, and about the parents. I know this is true of most nursery school directors and admissions directors as well. I often find myself reassuring parents of young children that the school staff are primarily early childhood educators, and that they really do care about children. An impression seems to have arisen that nursery schools are primarily businesses, and somewhat cynical ones at that. A recent article in a much-read newspaper crossed my path, the theme of which was how to get into a particular, very prestigious nursery school. The premise seemed to be that because of its prestige, everyone should want to "get their child in" to that particular school. And the recommendations for how to get in largely hinged on having connections and exerting various kinds of pressure and influence. Here's the thing: a school will offer your child a spot if the school thinks your child will thrive there and be a helpful addition to the class they are putting together. And if, after placing siblings and possibly legacy children, they have a spot for a child with your child's gender, birth month, general temperament. Also, any nursery school will want to accept families they feel will be positive members of the parent community, and pleasant to work with. There is so much wrong with the cynical, power-based approach. It is harmful to families. I speak with parents who are financially comfortable enough to pay the steep full tuitions at New York City nursery schools, and to plan to continue paying the even steeper tuitions at ongoing independent (ie. "private" schools), yet suffer from the belief that certain schools are not worth their applying to because they can't make large enough donations or don't know powerful enough people. If I think the school might be a good community for them, I encourage these families to apply--and more often than not, they get in. The other problem with the cynical approach is that it is wrong; it just doesn't work that way. Nursery school directors do not appreciate feeling that a family is trying to buy their professional judgment, or to use influence with their boards to twist their arms. If they feel you are trying to do that, there's a good chance they will decide you are not people they want to be partnering with for the next two or three years, or more if you have younger children.  Much has been written about the effects of the pandemic on our lives, and specifically on our experience of parenting and on our children. We will probably need much more time before we can get the distance on this experience that will allow us to begin to understand what happened and how it affected us. In the meantime, there is this feeling of a dividing line between before and after.
We are all the same, in that we shared this momentous experience. And we are all different in the specifics of how it has affected us. I am feeling the before and after intensely as I look back at this blog. It feels like a message in a bottle from a different world--the before. I was excited to write reviews of parenting books. Then I got busy, and didn't get back to it as soon as I thought I would. And then--Covid happened. I still want to write reviews of parenting books. But now, in the after, I also want to chat with all of you about parenting, and about schools. I will endeavor to write shorter entries, in the hope of avoiding the dread TL;DR, and I would love to hear what's on your mind as well. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (1980). Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. New York: Simon and Schuster. (Click here to find it on Amazon)
Because it is a classic, and because it is a fun, quick read, I recommend every parent have a look at this book. You will probably want to read it through from beginning to end, and you may want to keep it on an easily accessible shelf for frequent referencing at least until you graduate to How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk (Click here to find it on Amazon), which is based in the same principles. The title of this book itself is food for thought. So much of what we want from our kids is for them to listen to us. So much of what frustrates us as parents stems from the difficulty in finding out what is in their minds, in getting them to talk to us. And the complementarity in this title makes so much sense: the way we talk to our kids affects the way they listen. The way we listen to them—and let them know we are listening—is a main determinant in whether and how they talk to us. Beginning from the title, we know to expect that this book is not only about management, but also about relationship. In this book, and in all their books, Faber and Mazlish help us to integrate our short-term parenting goals (such as getting our children to brush their teeth) with our long-term goals (such as developing their problem-solving skills and resilience, and fostering healthy relationships). The book is divided into 6 sections, plus a summary section called Putting It All Together. Each section is named for a broad goal. Within each section the authors offer very specific skills to achieve that goal. There are short comic strips demonstrating each skill in action—often showing what not to do, juxtaposed with what to do—always with a gentle sense of humor. Then there are written exercises that give the reader an opportunity to practice before trying out the skills at home. The 7 sections of the book are: Helping Children Deal With Their Feelings Engaging Cooperation Alternatives to Punishment Encouraging Autonomy Praise Freeing Children from Playing Roles Putting It All Together How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk came out in 1980. Nearly 40 years later, these topics are still top of mind for many of us. The specific skills taught within each section are still very usable and helpful. When I use this book with parents today, I find that many were raised by the earlier generation of parents who were influenced by Faber and Mazlish, by their mentor, the child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginnot, and by the general zeitgeist of middle class child rearing of the times. That earlier generation absorbed the idea that children should be treated as full people, their feelings respected, and their wishes taken into consideration. That generation integrated this idea with the clear standards of behavior and parental authority that they took for granted. The middle class American parents I meet, both as an early childhood educator and as a therapist, have generally absorbed the principles of humanistic parenting very well. They often struggle, on the other hand, to feel comfortable asserting parental authority. They don’t take these for granted. They often feel uncertain what standards of behavior to enforce, and rarely seem to feel entitled to set those standards themselves. Faber and Mazlish set out to teach parents “alternatives to punishment” because they felt there was too much, overly harsh, relationally distant punishment going on. They wanted parents to be more sympathetic, to listen to children, to explain the reasons for rules, etc. The children of those parents are now themselves parents of upper elementary, middle school, and even high school students. If you are one of them, chances are you may often yearn for clarity: what should the rules be? How should I enforce them? How can I make my kids listen? The How To Talk topics and skills can help balance these wobbly parents just as they helped soften the previous generation of authoritarian parents. Whoever you are, wherever you find yourself on the spectrum of authoritarian vs. “marshmallow” parent, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, along with the companion books by the same authors, Siblings Without Rivalry (Click here to find it on Amazon) and How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk, and others listed below, will help you find your way to balanced, authoritative, parenting. Books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (Click here to find it on Amazon) Siblings Without Rivalry (Click here to find it on Amazon) How To Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk (Click here to find it on Amazon) How To Be The Parent You Always Wanted To Be (Click here to find it on Amazon) Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide To A Happier Family (Click here to find it on Amazon) Collection of Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s Books (Click here to find it on Amazon) By Joanne Faber and Julie King How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (Click here to find it on Amazon) By Dr. Haim Ginott Between Parent and Child (Click here to find it on Amazon) I have included the Amazon links both to make it easier for you to find the books, and because if you purchase through these links on my page I receive a small percentage from Amazon. Thank you for joining me in my new blogging adventure. So much of the work that I do is personalized to the people sitting in front of me in the moment. I believe firmly that parenting needs to be a very personal endeavor. As one of my clients summarized it recently, “there is no one right way to parent; there are wrong ways to parent, but there is no one right way.” This idea is freeing and affirming. If your friends all seem to be sleep training their babies but it just doesn’t feel right to you, you don’t have to do it. If your friends are nursing on demand, but you have tried that and it makes you feel your world is unmanageably chaotic, go ahead and create a schedule that works for you and your baby.
One of the constants of parenting is the day by day, minute by minute choices we make. This is true from before our children are born until they launch into the big world as adults. And—ask your own parents if you doubt it—even after that. Another constant is the degree to which we don’t have control. Many of us are faced with this in the process of conceiving, carrying and birthing our children. All of us learn as our children grow that they come to us with temperaments, strengths, challenges, and their own combination of intelligences. Many of us come to parenting knowing what we don’t want to do in raising our children. Some of us come into it with some clarity about what we do want to do. If we are fortunate, we have partners in raising our children, and our partners are somewhere near enough to being on the same page with us. Single parents are fortunate if they find extended family or friends who are on more or less the same page and can partner with them to some extent. Parenting is, to a great extent, a creative endeavor. Each of us needs to find our own, authentic self expression as parents. Like creative artists, we build on traditions of those who came before us. Also like creative artists, our work benefits from our study of theory, and of technique. Picasso didn’t paint the way he did because he couldn’t make his faces come out “right.” He had a command of theory and technique that allowed him to make his own choices and to find his own way. Our families and cultures of origin may have provided us with our traditions for the art of parenting, of shaping the shared life of a family into a nurturing environment. Our friends and current cultural milieu influence our choices. But our work will benefit significantly if we familiarize ourselves with theory and technique. I don’t recommend following any book or expert precisely: paint-by-numbers parenting is not effective. But I highly recommend reading a variety of sources to build your own repertoire, to create your own palette and style. Parents are busy people. It is my hope to provide you with reviews of books on the theory and technique of parenting. These reviews may give you material you find useful in itself. I hope they will also help you determine which books will be most helpful to you in the current moment of your development as a parent. Reading a whole book can be a significant investment of time and energy in the life of a parent. I hope to help you make those investments in books that will give you what you need. |
AuthorEmily Shapiro advises New York City parents who are navigating the nursery and independent school admissions process, through her business, Emily Shapiro Consulting. Archives
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