How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (1980). Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. New York: Simon and Schuster. (Click here to find it on Amazon)
Because it is a classic, and because it is a fun, quick read, I recommend every parent have a look at this book. You will probably want to read it through from beginning to end, and you may want to keep it on an easily accessible shelf for frequent referencing at least until you graduate to How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk (Click here to find it on Amazon), which is based in the same principles. The title of this book itself is food for thought. So much of what we want from our kids is for them to listen to us. So much of what frustrates us as parents stems from the difficulty in finding out what is in their minds, in getting them to talk to us. And the complementarity in this title makes so much sense: the way we talk to our kids affects the way they listen. The way we listen to them—and let them know we are listening—is a main determinant in whether and how they talk to us. Beginning from the title, we know to expect that this book is not only about management, but also about relationship. In this book, and in all their books, Faber and Mazlish help us to integrate our short-term parenting goals (such as getting our children to brush their teeth) with our long-term goals (such as developing their problem-solving skills and resilience, and fostering healthy relationships). The book is divided into 6 sections, plus a summary section called Putting It All Together. Each section is named for a broad goal. Within each section the authors offer very specific skills to achieve that goal. There are short comic strips demonstrating each skill in action—often showing what not to do, juxtaposed with what to do—always with a gentle sense of humor. Then there are written exercises that give the reader an opportunity to practice before trying out the skills at home. The 7 sections of the book are: Helping Children Deal With Their Feelings Engaging Cooperation Alternatives to Punishment Encouraging Autonomy Praise Freeing Children from Playing Roles Putting It All Together How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk came out in 1980. Nearly 40 years later, these topics are still top of mind for many of us. The specific skills taught within each section are still very usable and helpful. When I use this book with parents today, I find that many were raised by the earlier generation of parents who were influenced by Faber and Mazlish, by their mentor, the child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginnot, and by the general zeitgeist of middle class child rearing of the times. That earlier generation absorbed the idea that children should be treated as full people, their feelings respected, and their wishes taken into consideration. That generation integrated this idea with the clear standards of behavior and parental authority that they took for granted. The middle class American parents I meet, both as an early childhood educator and as a therapist, have generally absorbed the principles of humanistic parenting very well. They often struggle, on the other hand, to feel comfortable asserting parental authority. They don’t take these for granted. They often feel uncertain what standards of behavior to enforce, and rarely seem to feel entitled to set those standards themselves. Faber and Mazlish set out to teach parents “alternatives to punishment” because they felt there was too much, overly harsh, relationally distant punishment going on. They wanted parents to be more sympathetic, to listen to children, to explain the reasons for rules, etc. The children of those parents are now themselves parents of upper elementary, middle school, and even high school students. If you are one of them, chances are you may often yearn for clarity: what should the rules be? How should I enforce them? How can I make my kids listen? The How To Talk topics and skills can help balance these wobbly parents just as they helped soften the previous generation of authoritarian parents. Whoever you are, wherever you find yourself on the spectrum of authoritarian vs. “marshmallow” parent, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, along with the companion books by the same authors, Siblings Without Rivalry (Click here to find it on Amazon) and How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk, and others listed below, will help you find your way to balanced, authoritative, parenting. Books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (Click here to find it on Amazon) Siblings Without Rivalry (Click here to find it on Amazon) How To Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk (Click here to find it on Amazon) How To Be The Parent You Always Wanted To Be (Click here to find it on Amazon) Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide To A Happier Family (Click here to find it on Amazon) Collection of Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s Books (Click here to find it on Amazon) By Joanne Faber and Julie King How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (Click here to find it on Amazon) By Dr. Haim Ginott Between Parent and Child (Click here to find it on Amazon) I have included the Amazon links both to make it easier for you to find the books, and because if you purchase through these links on my page I receive a small percentage from Amazon.
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10/17/2022 08:49:46 pm
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AuthorEmily Shapiro advises New York City parents who are navigating the nursery and independent school admissions process, through her business, Emily Shapiro Consulting. Archives
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